The bird is the word. Or is it?

Y’all see Family Guy recently? Holy hilarity that was one of the funniest episodes I’ve ever seen. Peter hears his favorite song of all time, “Surfin Bird”, and plays the record non-stop. Anyways, this got my friend thinking, why are the words “bird” and “word” pronounced similarly with different  spellings? Well, my knowledge-thirsty friends, here is your second lesson in American History 101, Filfoolery style.

 

When the first Americans fought the Revolutionary War, George and Martha Washington got into a discussion about leaving England behind. You see, the English speak slightly different than the Americans of today. George used to say, “My fellow Americans, violence is not the answer. We don’t have to go to war, we can use our woords to express our displeasure with the English.” And Martha “Iron Fist” Washington used to lay into George with such anger he often soiled himself. One such speech went something like this, “George, you sound like a pansy when you say it like that, wooOOoord! My first act as the First Lady is to change all this frilly talk. From now on it will be spelled with one o and pronounced like bird. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave and I will be damned if we have any relation to those weenies! We are a complex culture and we will have WORDS that sound the same but spelled differently. One day, sexy man, this will be the most powerful country in the world and by God as my witness we will not pronounce word any different than bird, except with a w and b.”

 

…And such is the story of the pronunciations of bird and word.

 

Fin.

The First American Bridge

Gather round, children. I’m going to tell you about the time the first American bridge was built. This is the first installment in American History 101, Filfoolery style.

The early settlers in Virginia were going on an exploration of the area. They came across a creek that was too wide and too deep for them to get through. They had pregnant women, women with babies, men guiding donkeys that were carrying all of their supplies, etcetera. So there were two carpenters in their group that had previously built wagons for them and they were quite handy with the tools. Their leader, Rodney, knew they had to get across that creek in order to survive through the winter. He called on the carpenters to build something that they could get their group across the creek. Funny enough, he only had to call one name because they both had the same name, Bridget. Only he wasn’t calling for them, he was calling for somebody to “bridge it!”. And the two Bridget’s worked non-stop for three days until they had “bridge’d it”. Sadly, by the time they had finished everyone had The Plague and died.

Fin.

The Juice Is Loose, For Now

Well OJ Simpson is back at it again! Although this time everyone managed to make it out alive. Simpson is appearing in court, yet again, for 12 charges including felony kidnapping, armed robbery, conspiracy, burglary, coercion and assault with a deadly weapon for an attempted robbery at the Palace Station Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas in 2007. If convicted, Simpson could be facing some serious jail time – a robbery conviction would mean mandatory prison time and a kidnapping conviction has a possibility of life in prison with the chance of parole.

Apparently Simpson was merely trying to re-claim personal property and had no idea anyone in the room was armed. That excuse has been worn out; it’s high time someone came up with another one. Simpson and several other people including a friend of OJ’s named Clarence Stewart, left the Las Vegas Hotel with pillow cases stuffed full of sports memorabilia that Simpson later claimed were items originally stolen from his own house. According to Simpson these items were being held by two collectibles dealers who had come to the hotel in hopes of selling them, and had no idea of any negative intentions of his fellow accomplices. I don’t know about you, but this is a pretty hefty charge, and OJ seems to have the worst luck at being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We fell for his story the first time……

I think it’s about time that society stops giving freebies to celebs. So they entertain us and make obscene amounts of money, all of a sudden that makes them above the law? What’s that saying – fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Let’s not let OJ do it again. And ok ok, so let’s not bring up the past, that’s fine with me. That trial is over and done with, he wasn’t charged and I think we’ve all successfully moved on. But here he is again, splattering the news with a ridiculous story and it’s our turn again to decide his fate. Do we still love OJ? I know I do, well, if it’s an orange liquid that comes in a glass. But OJ Simpson? I’m over your reckless behavior and pathetic attempts for news time. Aren’t celebrities supposed to be setting examples for the rest of us common folk? Maybe our society’s youth and impressionable young minds would be less inclined to resort to violence if they didn’t constantly see people they admire doing the same bad things and getting away with it. What happened, where was that point in time, where people just gave up on doing the right thing? Tossed their morals to the wind and shouted “WOOHOO! Violence and law breaking here I come!” I would like to go back to that point and slap that moment in the face.

The judge seems to be extremely concerned that the double murder in 1994 will be carried over to this Las Vegas Hotel incident and that people will be out for revenge or to make OJ finally pay for what he should’ve years ago. “If you are here thinking you are going to punish Mr. Simpson for what happened in Los Angeles in 1995, this is not the case for you. If you’re looking to become famous because of your service in this case, write a book, then this is not the case for you.” Does anyone even remember what happened back in the mid 1990’s? Because I know I sure don’t.  Double murder, white jeep, car chase… huh??

I’m not a juror, and in fact do what I can to get out of jury duty every time I’m called, but I don’t think it’d be too difficult to convict OJ on these charges. Anyone that goes unwelcomed onto someone else’s property to “re-claim what is rightfully theirs” isn’t going in there with the intention of saying “Excuse me, sir? May I pretty please have my stuff back?” If they were planning on being civil, there are much better ways of handling a situation like that. Especially since OJ had quite the little posse. He brought five additional men with him, and four of the five have struck plea deals and will testify for the prosecution in return for reduced prison sentences.

OJ Simpson is 61 years old. When do you get to the point where enough is enough? When you’re blinded by all the Vegas lights and are under the mindset of what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, apparently enough is never enough. Apparently then walking into a hotel in Las Vegas with the intent to take what is “rightfully yours” with five other men, two of which are armed, is perfectly a-ok. Grow up, Mr. Simpson. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. And sure, you were someone once. A big time hall of famer – well congratulations. But now you’re a washed up ex-football player who can’t seem to get his act together and carries the same name as an acidic breakfast juice. Accept your punishment and please, let’s all move on.

John McCain = The Game

Fans of hip hop would know that The Game has problems with 50 Cent and G-Unit. The Game lovingly began saying G-Unot to try and start a movement against them, cute really. Creative? Not so much. I’m a fan of both Game and G-Unit, so I’m not trying to hate. Go get his new album, LAX, in stores now. While you’re at it, get Terminate On Sight. Anyways, I thought calling them G-Unot was pretty childish and about as creative as coloring a football brown.

Working in Denver and in the thick of the DNC, I saw the John McCain fanboys holding signs that said “NObama” and I immediately thought of Hurricane Game and had to shake my head. I don’t know about y’all, but I think that’s straight corny. While they’re at it, they should make signs that say “Obama Bin Laden Hates America”, or “Baracky Is Too Cocky”. Is it perfect? No, but I don’t see you coming up with something better! Sorry, Family Guy moment. I thought McCain’s people should be able to come up with something a little better than that. I guess I just don’t understand politics, or old people.

Fantasy Football ’08

Oh it’s that time of the year and I can’t contain my excitement! The fantasy football season is upon us and I just had my draft last weekend. This is an investment that could pay off pretty sweet if I win it all, so wish me luck and feel free to make any suggestions. I think I started the draft pretty strong but then had regrets with some other picks. Take a look at my team and let me know what you think:

QB- Donovan McNabb, David Garrard

RB- Marion Barber III, Reggie Bush, Lendale White, Deuce McAllister, Kenny Watson

WR- Calvin Johnson, Braylon Edwards, Hines Ward, Reggie Brown, Devin Hester

TE- Donald Lee

DST- Philly, Tampa Bay

K- Lawrence Tynes

 

Let the games begin!

Good News, Bad News

Good News: I found my wallet with everything in it so it’s all to the good, right? It was mostly to the good. The cash was gone but I have no problem parting with $10-15 when I needed more important items like my driver’s license, credit card, social security card, and insurance cards. Not to mention the various frequent eater cards to Wahoo’s, Heidi’s Deli, and Tokyo Joe’s, exposing the inner fat kid trapped in my skinny body.

Bad News: While all of this was returned to me by an honest citizen (I think), I didn’t really have money for almost two weeks. When I got my wallet back I decided the smartest thing to do was cancel my only credit card and order a new one. With no credit card, I had to stretch the little bit of cash I keep for a couple weeks. This paralyzed my social life. It meant no eating out, no going out, and basically no fun. I knew my buddies were planning to golf over the weekend, so I had to put $20 aside for those nine holes. Straight cash, homie. Another 20 bucks were put aside to get gas just so I could pick up my new credit card when it came in. Straight gas, homie. I did get to see The Dark Knight, which was bananas, but I still owe my buddy $16 for that. While all of my friends hit the bars and had fun over the weekend, I pretty much sat at home with Sportscenter, my laundry basket, and a few beers.

Thanks for nothing, wallet jerks.

How Is This Legal?

My car was towed last night. I parked in a No Parking – Fire Lane zone, so be it. Here’s what upsets me about the whole situation: it was towed around 7:30pm, taken to the tow lot, and locked up. The office of the company closes at 6pm. So, how is this legal?

Around 8:15pm I arrived at the lot and called to see how to get in the office. I hear that some of these companies charge by the hour, so I just wanted it out as soon as possible. The phone jockey told me that it’s closed until the next day at 8am. There was nothing she could do, no information she could give me about the process, nobody that could let me in to get important items – my friend’s keys, wallets, cell phones, purse, and medicine – from my car. How bad did I feel that their stuff was being held hostage for an undisclosed amount? It could’ve been a lot worse; at least that’s what I tell myself.

Here’s the good news about the situation and the reason I’m not calling them out by name, yet. When I arrived the next morning to bail my car out of automobile jail, I had to get my wallet from my car to pay and show my ID. Well, I searched high and low and couldn’t find it anywhere (this is a future blog)! The kind gentleman that walked me to my car saw that it wasn’t happening and told me he’d help me out. He allowed me to show my car’s Registration and Insurance as my ID so that I could break out. Luckily my ride had enough money to pay and I was free at last, only an hour late to work. Still haven’t found my wallet…

Born In Las Vegas?

So my sister is due to give birth to her second child at the end of next month. She’s planning to have it at the same hospital as her first, in Colorado. My concern is that she is going on a road trip to San Francisco a few weeks before her due date. You see, we have family there that she will be visiting with her husband and 19 month old daughter. She told me that they’re driving through Las Vegas on the way back because they’ve never been there and they want to check it out. I thought to myself what would happen if she were to go into labor while on this trip. Being a concerned brother/uncle and just generally curious, I started to look up a Las Vegas hospital that she could go to if necessary. I found one that’s near the strip and with a staff that seems more than qualified to deliver my first nephew. Their services cater to the care, comfort, privacy, and security of the family staying at the maternity center. I am definitely going to let her know about this hospital so that she has an idea of where she can go in case she goes into labor. I really hope she doesn’t have to give birth outside of Colorado, but if she does it would be pretty cool if my nephew was born in Las Vegas at Spring Valley Hospital.

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